What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Randomize
