I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
