Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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