I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I think we might need a safe word for this...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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