Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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