Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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