the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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