Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
