i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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