Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
