You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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