Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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