just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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