What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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