I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
