Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
