Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize