Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
