In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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