Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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