she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
