she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
