okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
