The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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