My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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