I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
