You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
