I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
