Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
