Just fell off a train. Bad.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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