No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
