bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
