All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize