I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
