she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
