90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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