im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
