I'd wear matching sweaters with you
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
