party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
