You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
