It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
