i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
