There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
