sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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