So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
