I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
