I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
