just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize