I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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