last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Are we still banned from the library?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
