Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
