It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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