Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize