I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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