the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
