i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
