even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize