every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
if only i could text you this smell
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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